"Okay, so let's see what we have here. What games do I have to review-" He was left silent. What he saw was horrible. "Oh, no. Not again." He shut the drawers as he grabbed another game. "Last time I tried to review you, that Pepsi bastard ruined it for me. Let's go."
"So for those who don't get it, the Noid was a mascot in the 80s from Domino's. Remember the Hamburgaler? Imagine that but it's pizza instead of Big Macs. Basically, I believe he tried to take your pizza or rot it, I don't know. I haven't watched these commercials in years."
"So, let's see what these shit-brains came up with today. Let's go. Got my pizza ready to eat, let's do this. No Pepsiman to interrupt me this time." He grabbed the NES and booted it up. "Oh, nice. Capcom made this. Man, it would've been weird if the Noid made a cameo appearance in Megaman or Street Fighter. Like, say, 'Pizza-Man'."
"The story is that these things ruled by a man named 'Mr. Green' are messing with New York and that the Noid has the power to stop them. Apparently, he's recognized by the..." He is baffled at what he's reading. "The 'mayer'? What!? Anyways, apparently, the Noid'll use these inventions to try and stop the evil plan."
"So the object of the game is simple. Like most platformers, you go from one side to the next, killing enemies with a yo-yo and getting to the end...a yo-yo?" He thought about it and it hit him. "
YO, Noid! I get it! It's a ******* TERRIBLE joke!"
"The first level is apparently on a pirate ship? Or a ship of some kind. Or a ship made of shit. A shit ship." He said, before playing onward. "So after you're done, you get to go in this minigame where apparently, you eat pizza. It's like a hotdog eating competition but italian and with butt-ugly creatures in bunny suits."
"Apparently, the champion goes first without any judgement. Like, seriously, not even eenie-miney mo? What the ****!?" He said, before devouring a piece of pizza with ease. "And the champion always goes first. So apparently, you basically choose the bigger number of pizza you want and then you win and then eat all the pizza. Wow."
"What really pisses me off about this is that no matter who wins, the champion always goes first. Maybe they're being nice and letting you pick the bigger fish? I don't know, I'm not the lunatic who made this game." He then sees one of the messages. "'Wow, what a pig.'? What a ******* shitty game, that's what this is!" He then grabs a beer and guzzles it down.
He then got to the second level. "Oh, for ****'s sake, an ice level!? Oh, boy, here we go. Ice levels aren't winter wonderlands, they're hell on skates." He said, angry. "Basically, you slip your way through the level as you also get bombarded with what I assume are giant ice snotballs."
"The next minigame is apparnetly 'Whack-A-Mole' with a twist. One, it's ice you're on. Two, you're hitting goalies or something, I have no clue. If you hit 'a lot of moles', this guy will give you the shortest route. 'A lot'? What, like, four? Five? Ten? Be specific, you skaty ****!"
"So then you have to deal with the next level, which is a skateboard level? Who's he think he is,
Bart Simpso?" He snarked. "Overall, it's kind of funky, the controls are...eh, but what confuses me is that you can double jump. Okay, lemme get this straight, you can jump twice on a
skateboard? What sorcery is this!?"
"So a few later, including cities, shit-stained sewers and multiple reused minigames, we get to the next notable stage, which is apparently..." He was shocked. "A sky level!? Oh, great. Basically, you have to consistently mash a button in order to jump. That'll leave a bad impact on your finger."
He then looked at the screen, looking determined to win, but he found it was a bit too easy. "Okay, that's it. This game has to get bette-" He then found himself at the ending of the game. He was shocked. "T-t-t-t-t-t-that's it!? Where's the fun, where's the charm!? Where's the pizza!? This doesn't make me want Domino's!"
"So in the ending scene, he walks a long way from buildings to a circus to a pizza man. He then apparently, if I am right, mugs the guy of his pizza and then tugs on his ears...that's awfully weird, but okay...?"
"This game is overall another one of those games that failed to market it's product miserably. And with the worse mascot to do it too." He said, before tossing the game out of the base and into space. He fixed the window and then saw somebody warp in.
"That's what you think, Nerd, but I'm here to ruin your pizza!" Said the Noid. "T-t-t-the Noid! What are you-" He started to laugh as he made the Stranger's pizza turn bad. "Oh, c'mere, you..." He then grabbed the Noid, beating the shit out of him before cutting his face open with his chainsaw and tossing him into the TV.
"Yep, people. I'm back." He stopped the video there, letting the credits roll.
