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- 5,106
Unfortunately, this is not a joke nor a drill. I'm sure some of you saw my message on Zark's sever. It's all true, I'm finished. I have been a part of this community for nearly 5 years and I can honestly say, this place has brought me nothing but pain. Over the years, I have met various wonderful people. However, I made a fatal mistake in believing these people I know on the internet could be anything more than just that. I put too much faith in them, and I shouldn't have.
The truth is, I am meant to be alone. Not in the literal sense, as I do have family but in the sense that I should stop seeking out meaningful friendships, at the very least online. I am an emotionally damaged person. I have endured a constant cycle of:
Going through tragedy > getting depressed > being fed up with others who irritate me during that depression > have homicidal thoughts about those people > feel disgusting for even having such thoughts about hurting another human being > have suicidal thoughts as a result > come nearly close but come to stop myself and appreciate life more.
Rinse and repeat.
For 13 years, this has been my life. Regardless of the good or bad. I joined the site out of recommendation from my husband (who was my fiance at the time). This place was a refuge to get away from that cycle but it sadly only intensified it. I go through being accused of being a sockpuppet, sexual harassment, being accused of faking the birth of my daughter, dealing with attempts to dox me, and a host of other things—all while being a member of this community, and a staff member at that.
Additionally, tiers eventually became extremely taxing to discuss. There is still so much hypocrisy in the community, the staff, everywhere, that it became annoying to have to my force myself through trying to help manage this site out of a sense of duty.
My life seems to just be riddled with tragedy and I have found a number of reasons to stay away from a community like this (or perhaps the internet as a whole). As from experience it has only made things worse.
I feel like I'm dying and being resurrected again and again. Each time losing a piece of my soul. Friends manage to put me back together but it is simply a temporary solution.
I own a katana, for the primary purpose defense, but in my lowest moments I've been caught with that blade directed at my chest. As the pain continues, I seek more and more attention from friends. A sympathetic ear so I can just get everything off my chest and hope I stay sane and safe longer than the last time.
However as time went on, I've become more abrasive, people have become fed up with me always bringing my problems to them, and everything gets worse. Who am I to disrupt them really? My life shouldn't be something anyone else has to constantly worry over, especially when they come to this place but escape their own problems. I excepted too much from them, and for that I am sorry. However, it did not help for those people to claim to care in the first place. To say they could lend an ear but eventually grow tired of it. It left me confused, but now I know exactly what's going on...and I will have it no more. Either from others, or especially myself.
I am done with the pain. I'm done with the lies, I'm done with drama, I'm done with the accusations of trying to start drama, I'm done with people only being sympathetic once and then becoming uncomfortable later (as if people just get over hardships over night). I'm done talking about tiers and I'm done pretending staying in contact with most of the people on these servers is worth it anymore.
On my own part, I'm sick of the pain, I'm sick of bringing my issues to other people (it clearly makes them uncomfortable), I'm sick of expecting people on the internet to provide a sympathetic ear, I'm sick of my own faults as a person.
I'm done. No more. As the words of "In The End" by Linkin Park go: "I tried so hard, and got so far...but in the end, it doesn't even matter." I lost faith in others, but more importantly, I lost faith in myself to keep going. I don't care to continue on this path, or this way in life. I need seclusion and I need peace. People, however much I may come to love them, always bring me pain in the end.
To remedy this once and for all, I'm leaving VSBW, I'm leaving Discord, and I'm leaving the internet in general. I am so sorry everyone. Perhaps I shouldn't have put that much trust in you. You didn't deserve me forcing such absurd high expectations on you.
Regardless of absolutely everything I have said above, I still love you all very much and will never ever forget you guys.
Sayōnara, tomodachi
Farewell, my lovely friends.
The truth is, I am meant to be alone. Not in the literal sense, as I do have family but in the sense that I should stop seeking out meaningful friendships, at the very least online. I am an emotionally damaged person. I have endured a constant cycle of:
Going through tragedy > getting depressed > being fed up with others who irritate me during that depression > have homicidal thoughts about those people > feel disgusting for even having such thoughts about hurting another human being > have suicidal thoughts as a result > come nearly close but come to stop myself and appreciate life more.
Rinse and repeat.
For 13 years, this has been my life. Regardless of the good or bad. I joined the site out of recommendation from my husband (who was my fiance at the time). This place was a refuge to get away from that cycle but it sadly only intensified it. I go through being accused of being a sockpuppet, sexual harassment, being accused of faking the birth of my daughter, dealing with attempts to dox me, and a host of other things—all while being a member of this community, and a staff member at that.
Additionally, tiers eventually became extremely taxing to discuss. There is still so much hypocrisy in the community, the staff, everywhere, that it became annoying to have to my force myself through trying to help manage this site out of a sense of duty.
My life seems to just be riddled with tragedy and I have found a number of reasons to stay away from a community like this (or perhaps the internet as a whole). As from experience it has only made things worse.
I feel like I'm dying and being resurrected again and again. Each time losing a piece of my soul. Friends manage to put me back together but it is simply a temporary solution.
I own a katana, for the primary purpose defense, but in my lowest moments I've been caught with that blade directed at my chest. As the pain continues, I seek more and more attention from friends. A sympathetic ear so I can just get everything off my chest and hope I stay sane and safe longer than the last time.
However as time went on, I've become more abrasive, people have become fed up with me always bringing my problems to them, and everything gets worse. Who am I to disrupt them really? My life shouldn't be something anyone else has to constantly worry over, especially when they come to this place but escape their own problems. I excepted too much from them, and for that I am sorry. However, it did not help for those people to claim to care in the first place. To say they could lend an ear but eventually grow tired of it. It left me confused, but now I know exactly what's going on...and I will have it no more. Either from others, or especially myself.
I am done with the pain. I'm done with the lies, I'm done with drama, I'm done with the accusations of trying to start drama, I'm done with people only being sympathetic once and then becoming uncomfortable later (as if people just get over hardships over night). I'm done talking about tiers and I'm done pretending staying in contact with most of the people on these servers is worth it anymore.
On my own part, I'm sick of the pain, I'm sick of bringing my issues to other people (it clearly makes them uncomfortable), I'm sick of expecting people on the internet to provide a sympathetic ear, I'm sick of my own faults as a person.
I'm done. No more. As the words of "In The End" by Linkin Park go: "I tried so hard, and got so far...but in the end, it doesn't even matter." I lost faith in others, but more importantly, I lost faith in myself to keep going. I don't care to continue on this path, or this way in life. I need seclusion and I need peace. People, however much I may come to love them, always bring me pain in the end.
To remedy this once and for all, I'm leaving VSBW, I'm leaving Discord, and I'm leaving the internet in general. I am so sorry everyone. Perhaps I shouldn't have put that much trust in you. You didn't deserve me forcing such absurd high expectations on you.
Regardless of absolutely everything I have said above, I still love you all very much and will never ever forget you guys.
Sayōnara, tomodachi
Farewell, my lovely friends.
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