Rage Thread

[Vzearr]

A pain that only content moderators will understand...



@Catzlaflame @Just_a_Random_Butler @Vzearr @Dereck03

 

[Mahek_The_Assassin_Silent_Killer]

Welp I'mma gonna need this space again so thanks again to Garrixian for making this and sorry to everyone else who sees this yet again (bolding/italicising parts that are important for context or emphasis):

Rant/Vent + Explanation for said rant incoming:

I have mild autism (Asperger's syndrome to be exact and I was diagnosed at 3 years old, though in future DSM and ICD might be reclassifying that under mild autism in the autism spectrum) and OCD (specifically OCD regarding a fear of me being deprived of my belongings or my memory, and this was since JC but in secondary school I had the stereotypical OCD regarding hygiene as well, so I assume even though I broke out of the hygiene OCD it still lingered around a bit dormantly until JC's A-levels and COVID hit simultaneously and made my OCD turn into its current form due to stress from the level of changes made in lifestyle and routine as well as relative physical isolation, and also as it turns out my autism through co-morbidity made me even more susceptible to various other mental conditions such as OCD as shown here):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conditions_comorbid_to_autism_spectrum_disorders

For the past 4 years since A-levels I've been taking OCD sertraline medication to relieve the anxiety that comes with OCD panic attacks or otherwise paralysing/debilitating/incapacitating episodes of my OCD-related paranoia preventing me from otherwise behaving "normally" but those have their own side effects as all medications do:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sertraline#Side_effects.

Therapy may have worked for my previous form of OCD but it didn't work for this current one cause for OCD it relies on Exposure Response Prevention which just made me more agitated and anxious so as of now I'm just trying to improve it on my own (it was much worse during the direct aftermath of A-levels and COVID in 2020-2021 but as of end of 2021 to now it's slightly better)


I do also have episodes of melancholy (mild depression? dysthymia? not sure what to call it, it's basically chronic recurring random episodes of low mood and self esteem + alternating random nights of insomnia or hypersomnia + fatigue or low energy, eating changes (more or less), low self-esteem, feelings of hopelessness + withdrawing from stress and avoiding opportunities for failure) since I do feel at times (or at least have these thoughts at the back of my mind) that either I wouldn't be capable enough to help anyone else due to my conditions or that I'm inherently a burden despite wanting to help others instead of having to always rely on them and that any mistake or moment of inaction is proof of that (inferiority complex), or I'm living a sort of ingrained lie or self-fulfilling prophecy despite knowing that my conditions are real (impostor syndrome).

I want to help people, but for every mistake I make or every action I'm unable to take due to any form of restriction I have I start to dislike/doubt myself. I'm also scared and worried of being isolated, or judged negatively due to being unable to handle certain situations. And I do want to try to make everyone happy even if it's practically impossible, and I don't want to weigh other people down with my problems, but if I hurt myself, others still get hurt, so I'm essentially trapped.

I don't intend this to be some sort of guilt trip or emotional manipulation because I hate the idea of that too (and again, I don't want to burden people with issues that I face) but if I can't let it out coherently, without being judged, and if I keep it bottled in, I'm more or less self-sabotaging and it'd end up making me a hypocrite since I'd also be consequently sabotaging others unintentionally.

I mostly want people who I can trust to understand where I'm coming from and possibly help in some form while I provide any assistance to them that I'm capable of as well (mutual assistance/reciprocal altruism).

1: Thanks for the rage thread
2: Still hoping you find a source of happiness
3: Damn it I need to vent too (I sincerely apologise to everyone who sees this cause I do not want to burden others with my emotions)

I've been thinking about how to phrase this because it's been in my head for a while now...
VUCA, social expectations and norms, etc... yeah society's kinda screwy honestly

VUCA - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I want to seek help but I feel like that becomes impossible because if I do I feel shame from being seen as trauma dumping or forcing others to acknowledge my feelings and thus burdening them, or feel like I'm lying to others or myself (impostor syndrome), or that I'm being selfish and a burden by throwing a pity party, and all of those expectations and negative feelings just reinforce the desire to hide my physical and mental flaws which makes the internal conflict worse over time.

I want to be better, and I want to help or at least not hurt others, but I keep feeling like I'm dragging people down just by being around them because of my conditions, but again it feels like if I express my self-hatred and pain it hurts others (again by dumping my emotions and problems onto others), and obviously hurting myself (or even killing myself) would also hurt others too, so again it reinforces the sense of shame and desire to hide my weaknesses, I'm not sure who I can trust to tell because even with loved ones who care about me I feel as if I do not deserve their help and that if they do help it just burdens them with no improvement or benefit in the long run, and even when I want to or try to help others, it feels as if it's only momentary/temporary and that the cost/burden of me being with them outweighs any benefits that come from helping them, even when that might not be true

And ^ of course with all of this I'm more or less venting but again it feels crappy because of feeling like I'm imposing an obligation or expectation to receive help + dumping my problems as explained, and I do not know if, if I do receive help, whether that would also benefit anyone in turn, because even if it means I'm in a better condition to help others I can't feel like I'm helping others enough to compensate for the burden I place on others by being around them.

This is gonna suck:
While there ARE still joyful and wholesome moments in real life, it feels like the world is growing worse and worse cause of both historical reasons and reasons to do with modern geopolitical, socio-economic, and other related factors, and it's screwed up because majority of the time it's completely innocent people (or at least people who have nothing to do with the historical AND the modern factors/reasons due to not having that much privilege or influence which is detrimental by itself) who are suffering from those reasons...

(To see what I mean, here's articles for what I'm talking about:

List of natural disasters by death toll - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Draft:List of anthropogenic disasters by death toll - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

List of ongoing armed conflicts - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

It's so freaking insane that at least 2 of the biggest conflicts in the highest section for the ongoing armed conflicts article have been going on since near the end of WW2 until now)

..so honestly I don't know if:
I should be angry or sad that both the world is kinda messed up and growing more messed up over time
AND
whether that anger or sadness should be directed outwards at the world for being so messed up for so long or inwards at myself for not being able to do anything about it as of yet
(which fuels self-hatred cause I want to help people as mentioned previously, but I don't want to either make mistakes and end up hurting people or detract from people's independence/autonomy by unintentionally patronising them or sounding condescending (on top of the mild autism and the more predominant moderate OCD which holds me back) so that complicates matters)
And then there's having to justify and suppress/conceal that anger and sadness to avoid being seen as "playing the victim/crying wolf" or otherwise being attention-seeking (and again, I don't want to necessarily burden anyone else either), but still needing to vent and find out if these feelings are valid or not and what I can do to deal with the thoughts healthily and also see if I could relate to others who may have similar issues/challenges, hence why I posted it here

Sorry again for the rant, hope no one else is too negatively affected by all this (and sorry there's so many bold/italicised parts), thanks again for this being a safe impartial space

 

[GarrixianXD]

Welp I'mma gonna need this space again so thanks again to Garrixian for making this and sorry to everyone else who sees this yet again (bolding/italicising parts that are important for context or emphasis):



This is gonna suck:
While there ARE still joyful and wholesome moments in real life, it feels like the world is growing worse and worse cause of both historical reasons and reasons to do with modern geopolitical, socio-economic, and other related factors, and it's screwed up because majority of the time it's completely innocent people (or at least people who have nothing to do with the historical AND the modern factors/reasons due to not having that much privilege or influence which is detrimental by itself) who are suffering from those reasons...

(To see what I mean, here's articles for what I'm talking about:

List of natural disasters by death toll - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Draft:List of anthropogenic disasters by death toll - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

List of ongoing armed conflicts - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

It's so freaking insane that at least 2 of the biggest conflicts in the highest section for the ongoing armed conflicts article have been going on since near the end of WW2 until now)

..so honestly I don't know if:
I should be angry or sad that both the world is kinda messed up and growing more messed up over time
AND
whether that anger or sadness should be directed outwards at the world for being so messed up for so long or inwards at myself for not being able to do anything about it as of yet
(which fuels self-hatred cause I want to help people as mentioned previously, but I don't want to either make mistakes and end up hurting people or detract from people's independence/autonomy by unintentionally patronising them or sounding condescending (on top of the mild autism and the more predominant moderate OCD which holds me back) so that complicates matters)
And then there's having to justify and suppress/conceal that anger and sadness to avoid being seen as "playing the victim/crying wolf" or otherwise being attention-seeking (and again, I don't want to necessarily burden anyone else either), but still needing to vent and find out if these feelings are valid or not and what I can do to deal with the thoughts healthily and also see if I could relate to others who may have similar issues/challenges, hence why I posted it here

Sorry again for the rant, hope no one else is too negatively affected by all this (and sorry there's so many bold/italicised parts), thanks again for this being a safe impartial space

You're a real pure kind-hearted soul.

 

[Mahek_The_Assassin_Silent_Killer]

You're a real pure kind-hearted soul.

I try, I may not be able to help out as much as I could without OCD and/or autism (though then again they make me who I am in a way so I guess if that means it actually helps me help others that's great), but still worth trying.
I just hope I get the chance to do enough for as many people (and if possible, as many living beings too) as possible to benefit their lives as much as possible, either through real or virtual (physical or digital) means, whatever it takes.
But it also involves trying to understand in which contexts what is best to say or do to avoid hurting/offending people, and of course it means keeping emotions regulated but that does involve suppressing negative thoughts/emotions which is not healthy if held in too long or allowed to become too serious but also can't be let out that easily due to fear of judgement and shame, hence all the worries I wanted to vent about.

I'm not sure what the best way to vent these feelings out is (there's times I feel like wanting to scream because of how screwed up the condition of the world (and by extension the historical causes for said condition), but I cannot let it out in that way because it would negatively affect both others and myself), but I always feel like talking and socialising, both virtually and in reality, in a safe space with others in a way that mutually allows us to empathise and support each other is one of the more positive ways to go about it.
Basically gotta keep reminding myself of what I should do and what I should not do when it comes to trying to help others and myself (or, if that is not possible, then others before myself, either way everyone wins/benefits to some degree) so that I don't become a hypocrite (or feel like one from wack impostor syndrome or other similar feelings of guilt and insecurity) or fall short of what I want to do.
Hope it makes sense, I more or less want to find a way for everyone to help or at least not hurt each other, and even if it's impossible it's still worth striving for since it benefits everyone. (It's an idealist/optimistic position, sure, and ironic due to the frustrations I have, but I still would rather choose to believe than give in to cynicism/pessimism.)

Thanks again for listening, understanding and appreciating this (and thanks again for making this space in the first place so people like us can vent and also, if possible, help each other with said issues being vented, without feelings of being judged or ashamed).

 

[RanHover60]

Bro’s making an entire manifesto in fun and games

 

[Mahek_The_Assassin_Silent_Killer]

Bro’s making an entire manifesto in fun and games

It's not a manifesto it's a full-blown eruption welp (I just wanted to get all the crappy negative stuff I feel out so it's easier to deal with than keeping them in)
But yeah oof it do be hard