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“He might as well wrestle a real gorilla” (0-0-0)

AceOfSpaces3709

AceOfSpaces3709

He/Him
1,886
876
After hearing Bret Hart’s bitter comments about him on Stone Cold’s podcast, Goldberg takes his remark to heart and decides to become the second martial artist after Mike Tyson to challenge a gorilla. Unfortunately, Bill couldn’t find a single zoo that would allow him to squash one of their gorillas. About to lose hope, Goldberg remembers an event that happened 13 years ago, where a famous video game gorilla challenged a boxing champion in a losing effort. After some searching, Goldberg is able to find the WVBA headquarters. Originally not on board, Bill is able to successfully convince the WVBA officials that pitting a match between him and Donkey Kong would put their business back on the map.

So without a moment sooner, both the WWE and WVBA host an expedition pay-per-view with Goldberg VS Donkey Kong as the main event.

Both are 6 m apart,

Speed is equalized,

and Battle takes place inside a ring within Madison Square Garden,

Goldberg’s AP is 299.77 Kilojoules but higher with Jackhammer

Donkey Kong’s AP is much higher than 114.1 Kilojoules

The AP gap is less than 2.62x

Gooooldberg! Gooooldberg!:
DK! Don-key Kong!
The match ends in No Contest:

IMG_0224.png
IMG_0223.png
 
Goldberg wins because he just keeps spearing Donkey Kong before finishing him off with the Jackhammer.

Every modern Goldberg match in a nutshell.
 
EnnardTrap1987 said:
Goldberg wins because he just keeps spearing Donkey Kong before finishing him off with the Jackhammer.

Every modern Goldberg match in a nutshell.
Click to expand...
That would definitely be Goldie’s best winning strategy, but there’s a chance he may struggle to consecutively hit Kong as the latter has a reaction speed advantage.

According to speed rules, if speed is equalized, it’ll naturally be assumed the base speed of the faster character will be equal to the speed of the slower character. (this means both will be Peak Human as Donkey Kong’s normal speed was 15 m/s, scaling to real life boxers who can strike at this speed),

However, every other speed the faster character may have, whether it be attack, reaction, and/or combat speed will also be reduced by the same multiplier. Considering no exact number is given to Goldberg’s speed it’s assumed he’s baseline (10.03 m/s), this means he was around 1.4x slower than Kong prior to equalization, the latter on the other hand originally had Subsonic reactions, upscaling from Piston Hondo, who can strike fast enough to leave afterimages (34.3 m/s), Under the new 1.4x divider, Kong’s reaction speed would now be around 22 m/s. So while Goldberg and Kong will be moving and fighting at 10 m/s, Kong’s reactions would still be around 2x faster than Goldberg’s
 
Tbf, Goldberg did squash wrestlers who has higher AP than DK (Brock Lesnar and Dolph Ziggler).

Brock is 299.77 KJ, and Dolph is 191.1 KJ.

I doubt DK can do much to Goldberg offensively.
 
RandomGuy2345 said:
Tbf, Goldberg did squash wrestlers who has higher AP than DK (Brock Lesnar and Dolph Ziggler).

Brock is 299.77 KJ, and Dolph is 191.1 KJ.

I doubt DK can do much to Goldberg offensively.
Click to expand...
Though DK does upscale from Don Flamenco (Who did the 114 KJ feat), if there was a Punch-Out scaling chain, it'll probably be something like this.

(Donkey Kong>Mr. Sandman>Super Macho Man>Bald Bull>Soda Popinski>Aran Ryan>Don Flamenco)
 
AceOfSpaces3709 said:
Though DK does upscale from Don Flamenco (Who did the 114 KJ feat), if there was a Punch-Out scaling chain, it'll probably be something like this.

(Donkey Kong>Mr. Sandman>Super Macho Man>Bald Bull>Soda Popinski>Aran Ryan>Don Flamenco)
Click to expand...
Fair, but Goldberg does have that Jackhammer that will finish DK off when hit.

I'm also inclined to say that Goldberg holds the skill advantage here unless proven otherwise.
 
RandomGuy2345 said:
I'm also inclined to say that Goldberg holds the skill advantage here unless proven otherwise.
Click to expand...
This is kind of a non-point, because martial arts, especially wrestling, are made with the purpose of fighting humans, working on human physiologies and behaviors, which doesn't apply here.
The world greatest martial artist wouldn't know what to do in a h2h contest with a chimp.

Here the gap is somewhat closed by Goldberg having superhuman LS and by DK sorta mimicking human boxing, but it ends here, Goldberg is totally unprepared against such an opponent.
 
AceOfSpaces3709 said:
Though DK does upscale from Don Flamenco (Who did the 114 KJ feat), if there was a Punch-Out scaling chain, it'll probably be something like this.

(Donkey Kong>Mr. Sandman>Super Macho Man>Bald Bull>Soda Popinski>Aran Ryan>Don Flamenco)
Click to expand...
Not exactly close to what it actually is, as every boxer trained and got stronger than the feat after the first round of fuckery, so...
 
SamanPatou said:
This is kind of a non-point, because martial arts, especially wrestling, are made with the purpose of fighting humans, working on human physiologies and behaviors, which doesn't apply here.
The world greatest martial artist wouldn't know what to do in a h2h contest with a chimp.

Here the gap is somewhat closed by Goldberg having superhuman LS and by DK sorta mimicking human boxing, but it ends here, Goldberg is totally unprepared against such an opponent.
Click to expand...
I mean Little Mac didn’t beat DK by being stronger, faster, etc. etc. lol, skill obviously is the biggest factor that affected Mac’s victory over him, so why can’t Goldberg do similar?
 
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I'm inclined to believe Goldberg is more skilled than DK unless proven otherwise.

Goldberg's Jackhammer is finishing DK off (it has finished people with comparable AP to Goldberg off).
 
RandomGuy2345 said:
I'm inclined to believe Goldberg is more skilled than DK unless proven otherwise.

Goldberg's Jackhammer is finishing DK off (it has finished people with comparable AP to Goldberg off).
Click to expand...
Like Saman said, martial arts don't mean much when your fightin a ****** gorilla
 
DaReaperMan said:
Little Mac dodged and struck. That works on chimps, wrestling isn't exactly purely striking and dodging, most wrestling moves would be hard pressed to work normally at all on a gorilla
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Goldberg doesn't use "wrestling moves."

He likes to spam his Spear and Jackhammer in character, so a wrestling move like a headlock or so is something Goldberg won't use.

He preferably uses his fast-paced offense and LS to win his matches.
 
RandomGuy2345 said:
Goldberg doesn't use "wrestling moves."

He likes to spam his Spear and Jackhammer in character, so a wrestling move like a headlock or so is something Goldberg won't use.

He preferably uses his fast-paced offense and LS to win his matches.
Click to expand...
He's going to catch monkey boxing gloves in a frontal assault lol
 
Yeah, Saman's point is good. To be fair, though, gorillas are more humanlike than most creatures, and while most submission techniques wouldn't really work, the more simple stuff like grabbing and slamming absolutely would. Goldberg is still more skilled, I think, but DK not being a human will be detrimental to his performance.

That being said, while DK actually scales a lot above 114kj (Mr. Sandman is ridiculously above boxers who themselves are stronger than Don Flamenco, and DK is at least as strong as a considerably stronger Mr. Sandman, if not outright stronger), I do think that Goldberg retains a slight AP advantage, and that's before counting on the finisher.

DK has the range advantage and is far more mobile, and his nonhuman physiology will be detrimental to Goldberg. Goldberg is slightly stronger, has greater LS and is more skilled.

I can honestly see this going both ways, depending on how they fight, but I am inclined to say Goldberg for now. How does Goldberg typically fights? Because if he is a rush-in sort of fighter, that is a horrible way to do this, as DK is not only mobile enough to avoid him, but rushing in to someone with longer reach, a wider hand's breath and boxing skills is asking to receive a counter-punch, which more than compensates a slight AP disadvantage. There are entire pages worth of fighters with very little power who can still KO significantly stronger people by landing good counterpunches.
 
RandomGuy2345 said:
Goldberg's Jackhammer is finishing DK off (it has finished people with comparable AP to Goldberg off).
Click to expand...
That's not how it works, you can finish off someone comparable to you even with just a slap, if they are beaten enough, and by vs rules oneshots occur when there's a 7.5x ap advantage.
And the jackhammer is exactly a wrestling move, designed to lift up a human body vertically by working on their human body, and despite DK's humanlike form, Goldberg wouldn't know how to reliably lift him up.

Mac defeating him is a mix of his own skill dealing with a chimp, and because DK mimics boxing, meaning that they were on weirdly common ground, and still DK did stuff like tucking into a ball and roll.
 
Finishers are usually designed, as the name suggests, to finish a character. They usually knock any wrestler out clean after a little bit of fighting, which will obviously happen here, and have occasionally been shown to incapacitate even when used as a first move, they will however always, no matter what the situation, leave an opponent stunned, heavily damaged, and overall vulnerable, generally in a situation where the odds are heavily against them to win from there, if they get up at all.
 
SamanPatou said:
And the jackhammer is exactly a wrestling move, designed to lift up a human body vertically by working on their human body, and despite DK's humanlike form, Goldberg wouldn't know how to reliably lift him up.
Click to expand...
Why not? The Jackhammer is a far from complex to perform (though obviously still incredibly effective) manoeuvre, the only things Goldberg involves are a groin and limbs, sometimes a torso, all of which DK has in very much human-like form. Slight differences here and there are made up by Goldberg’s skill, he isn’t going to be incapable of hitting the Jackhammer because his opponent has mildly dissimilar biology in the related areas to the move.
 
Pikaman said:
Finishers are usually designed, as the name suggests, to finish a character. They usually knock any wrestler out clean after a little bit of fighting, which will obviously happen here, and have occasionally been shown to incapacitate even when used as a first move, they will however always, no matter what the situation, leave an opponent stunned, heavily damaged, and overall vulnerable, generally in a situation where the odds are heavily against them to win from there, if they get up at all.
Click to expand...
You can knock out a comparable person even with a clean punch to the jaw without having excessively superior AP, unless that punch splatters them in bloody paste.
Like, not even Goldberg's file accounts the Jackhammer as leagues above his normal power output, so we effectively can't say it's going to knock DK out cold the moment it lands, assuming it lands correctly.
 
Pikaman said:
Why not? The Jackhammer is a far from complex to perform (though obviously still incredibly effective) manoeuvre, the only things Goldberg involves are a groin and limbs, sometimes a torso, all of which DK has in very much human-like form. Slight differences here and there are made up by Goldberg’s skill, he isn’t going to be incapable of hitting the Jackhammer because his opponent has mildly dissimilar biology in the related areas to the move.
Click to expand...
Yes, actually, it may not look complex, but every single throw in martial arts is designed to grab specific parts of a human body and use them to lift the person in a specific way.
Even a simple Seoi Nage (the classic "judo throw") wouldn't work on a standard chimp (unless someone shows the ability of doing so), let alone on an oversized gorilla with wonky proportions even for real standards, especially when talking about something as convoluted as a jackhammer.
 
I definitely think it's a bit weird to say "The move is called a finisher so it will finish him" which seems to be what is implied here lol.

I do think Donkey Kong inherently being a monkey will make it harder to perform your standard wrestling moves on him. Mac being able to fight him is a skill feat for Little Mac, and shouldn't be comparable to fighters outside of the verse, or even anyone other than Little Mac.
 
Jackythejack said:
I definitely think it's a bit weird to say "The move is called a finisher so it will finish him" which seems to be what is implied here lol.

I do think Donkey Kong inherently being a monkey will make it harder to perform your standard wrestling moves on him. Mac being able to fight him is a skill feat for Little Mac, and shouldn't be comparable to fighters outside of the verse, or even anyone other than Little Mac.
Click to expand...
A standard wrestling move isn't Goldberg's style.

Goldberg uses his LS to his advantage. His moveset consists of powerslams, the spear, and the Jackhammer (which will finish DK off if hit).

Golderg is more than capable of lifting DK up. He's not a technical wrestler like a Kurt Angle or Chris Jericho. He uses his raw power to decimate his opponents.
 
His raw power isn't exactly what he's got here considering DK should likely be comparable.

What does he do. Please explain to me his moves. Why would Jackhammer finish DK in one hit if it hits? Besides the fact he already uses it when other wrestlers are weak, presuming this is his finisher.
 
Jackythejack said:
His raw power isn't exactly what he's got here considering DK should likely be comparable.
Click to expand...
Goldberg legit destroyed Lesnar, who's 299.77 KJ himself.

He also squashed Dolph Ziggler, who's a top tier wrestler in the company (if he had a profile, he'd be 191.1 KJ).

DK just massively upscales from a value that Goldberg's 2x stronger than. A spear and a Jackhammer is putting DK away.

Jackythejack said:
What does he do. Please explain to me his moves. Why would Jackhammer finish DK in one hit if it hits? Besides the fact he already uses it when other wrestlers are weak, presuming this is his finisher.
Click to expand...
Here's some of Goldberg's best moves. As you can see, he utilizes his LS and raw power to decimate his opponents. He's not a pure wrestler like Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, or Dolph Ziggler.
 
I can't stress enough that it doesn't mean it'll oneshot DK. if it did it'd have to be way way higher than the normal AP value for the character himself. It's not oneshotting DK. This has been argued in threads before (not with this specific verse) but generally it's not how the site works.

RandomGuy2345 said:
Here's some of Goldberg's best moves. As you can see, he utilizes his LS and raw power to decimate his opponents. He's not a pure wrestler like Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, or Dolph Ziggler.
Click to expand...
These still depend on grappling/grabbing certain parts of the body. The human body. DK is not a human. He's built completely different with a different body shape and center of mass among other things.
 
Jackythejack said:
I can't stress enough that it doesn't mean it'll oneshot DK. if it did it'd have to be way way higher than the normal AP value for the character himself. It's not oneshotting DK. This has been argued in threads before (not with this specific verse) but generally it's not how the site works.
Click to expand...
All finishers in the WWE have way higher AP than the normal moves. It's called a finisher because it's meant to finish the opponent off. The only time it won't finish the opponent off is it's used early, but the opponent will still be extremely vulnerable. Wrestlers do kick out of finishers, but it's due to their Instinctive Reactions.

Jackythejack said:
These still depend on grappling/grabbing certain parts of the body. The human body. DK is not a human. He's built completely different with a different body shape and center of mass among other things.
Click to expand...
Lifting something that's built like DK is not that hard for someone like Goldberg. He's still a Gorilla, and those animals (along with chimpanzees) have the closest DNA to humans, so they still have human properties. Looking at DK's body shape, Goldberg doing a normal suplex, Jackhammer, or spear isn't that hard.
 
On the issue of finishers, they are massively above Wrestler’s usual AP, and will at any stage in a match leave an opponent in an extremely vulnerable state where they are likely to lose, later on in a match, which is when they are used in character most frequently, they damn near always result in a K.O.

D.K. might manage a comeback from a spear or jackhammer if it’s used early on, but if he’s already had some damage racked up on him I find a situation where he gets back up at all, never mind with the ability to go on and win the match, extremely unlikely. Not to mention Goldberg is particularly infamous for spamming finishers
lol
 
Jackythejack said:
These still depend on grappling/grabbing certain parts of the body. The human body. DK is not a human. He's built completely different with a different body shape and center of mass among other things.
Click to expand...
I mean, a spear is a very basic move, if DK let me I could probably hit that on him lol, never mind someone with Goldberg’s skill
 
Goldberg is one of the strongest wrestlers I'm sure he used to lift 300 pounds people too in the past.
Heck even Randomguy used to lifting me up using Jackhammer move 👀
 
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D.K has a big combat speed advantage, so he can land more hits. If Goldberg tries to Spear D.K he'll probably get swatted. The Jackhammer won't work well against someone built like D.K either, if you've seen the boss fight with D.K he is way bigger than prime Big Show. Voting D.K
 
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