I agree with AKM.
I'm sure this wasn't an easy decision.Unfortunately, this is not a joke nor a drill. I'm sure some of you saw my message on Zark's sever. It's all true, I'm finished. I have been a part of this community for nearly 5 years and I can honestly say, this place has brought me nothing but pain. Over the years, I have met various wonderful people. However, I made a fatal mistake in believing these people I know on the internet could be anything more than just that. I put too much faith in them, and I shouldn't have.
The truth is, I am meant to be alone. Not in the literal sense, as I do have family but in the sense that I should stop seeking out meaningful friendships, at the very least online. I am an emotionally damaged person. I have endured a constant cycle of:
Going through tragedy > getting depressed > being fed up with others who irritate me during that depression > have homicidal thoughts about those people > feel disgusting for even having such thoughts about hurting another human being > have suicidal thoughts as a result > come nearly close but come to stop myself and appreciate life more.
Rinse and repeat.
For 13 years, this has been my life. Regardless of the good or bad. I joined the site out of recommendation from my husband (who was my fiance at the time). This place was a refuge to get away from that cycle but it sadly only intensified it. I go through being accused of being a sockpuppet, sexual harassment, being accused of faking the birth of my daughter, dealing with attempts to dox me, and a host of other things—all while being a member of this community, and a staff member at that.
Additionally, tiers eventually became extremely taxing to discuss. There is still so much hypocrisy in the community, the staff, everywhere, that it became annoying to have to my force myself through trying to help manage this site out of a sense of duty.
My life seems to just be riddled with tragedy and I have found a number of reasons to stay away from a community like this (or perhaps the internet as a whole). As from experience it has only made things worse.
I feel like I'm dying and being resurrected again and again. Each time losing a piece of my soul. Friends manage to put me back together but it is simply a temporary solution.
I own a katana, for the primary purpose defense, but in my lowest moments I've been caught with that blade directed at my chest. As the pain continues, I seek more and more attention from friends. A sympathetic ear so I can just get everything off my chest and hope I stay sane and safe longer than the last time.
However as time went on, I've become more abrasive, people have become fed up with me always bringing my problems to them, and everything gets worse. Who am I to disrupt them really? My life shouldn't be something anyone else has to constantly worry over, especially when they come to this place but escape their own problems. I excepted too much from them, and for that I am sorry. However, it did not help for those people to claim to care in the first place. To say they could lend an ear but eventually grow tired of it. It left me confused, but now I know exactly what's going on...and I will have it no more. Either from others, or especially myself.
I am done with the pain. I'm done with the lies, I'm done with drama, I'm done with the accusations of trying to start drama, I'm done with people only being sympathetic once and then becoming uncomfortable later (as if people just get over hardships over night). I'm done talking about tiers and I'm done pretending staying in contact with most of the people on these servers is worth it anymore.
On my own part, I'm sick of the pain, I'm sick of bringing my issues to other people (it clearly makes them uncomfortable), I'm sick of expecting people on the internet to provide a sympathetic ear, I'm sick of my own faults as a person.
I'm done. No more. As the words of "In The End" by Linkin Park go: "I tried so hard, and got so far...but in the end, it doesn't even matter." I lost faith in others, but more importantly, I lost faith in myself to keep going. I don't care to continue on this path, or this way in life. I need seclusion and I need peace. People, however much I may come to love them, always bring me pain in the end.
To remedy this once and for all, I'm leaving VSBW, I'm leaving Discord, and I'm leaving the internet in general. I am so sorry everyone. Perhaps I shouldn't have put that much trust in you. You didn't deserve me forcing such absurd high expectations on you.
Regardless of absolutely everything I have said above, I still love you all very much and will never ever forget you guys.
Sayōnara, tomodachi
Farewell, my lovely friends.
No one is not meant to be alone even the most terrible and malicious people in the world have feelings and emotions they just don’t know how to express themselves in and make themselves trouble for everyone to hate them because they feel worthless but despite them trying they are still getting love and attention because those close to those people know that that isn’t their intention and look past the bad things they have done to try and touch the good small side inside them in the hope of making their happy little heart glow and become bigger and eventually defeat the evil inside themselves, look a lot of people have that cycle it it’s not just you if you explore things that you were afraid of exploring you would be surprised by how many other people go through the same thing.
It does matter. You lost faith in others, but that doesn’t mean that you need to lose faith in yourself. You have to just keep going what will you solve if you where to do something terrible to yourself it doesn’t end the suffering it only increases it for others and at worst those close to you will do the same thing out of crying and being sad, it’s not just you it’s the situation where in makes so many people go insane and lose their mind but it’s not a permanent thing it’s more of a suttle test to see if you can still fight back hard things in life does exist it’s just how you look at it. but what does it really mean to have pain it’s normal for us to have pain if we fall and not feel pain then we are just lifeless rocks, finding peace is really a hard thing to do but you have to seek what is causing it to, you can’t just give up on yourself because you were not strong enough, you are more than capable of being strong enough your depression is a part of you it’s a extension of your feelings and a extension of you if it’s a part of you can control it you just have to find a way how to.
It’s called experiencing humanity: You are not losing your soul, you increasing it’s knowledge. The more you know, the more you will fall and that’s what makes us human, relatable, some in other ways than most. We all learn from each other; it’s an inspiring thing. It’s just the way of how you look at things and how you experience them. If your friends are capable of putting you together then sure you can if you know what’s causing it, no one knows you better than yourself, your own mind is attacking you because you feel worthless, but in reality you are not, if you make yourself worth something then there is no reason to attack yourself because your something important, our minds complain all the time it’s called criticism, it’s normal your mind attacks you because it’s ticking you to try and see if you still feel. In fact, everyone here dies and resurrects himself. It’s called sleeping — if we don’t sleep, then we never rest. Maybe try and do some activity to get yourself out of that rest mode. Yes, you will say that it’s hard to do because I’m not feeling well, but listen, you need to make yourself worth something.
Therapists and Priests are all just opinions, after opinions. You are the one who knows your mind the best. If you try and talk to more people about it, it will only increase the chances of making the problem bigger. Your in laws don’t hate you if it did you should have stopped to keep going, you're not a demon just because your change doesn’t mean that you are not yourself anymore, your demons don’t follow you anywhere you go you follow them and you listen to them they are threatening you with things that are important to you so you stop caring about them in the hope that they will go away, but don’t do that if you end up liking nothing then there is no point in trying to find something you like does it? You just have to force through your demons even if they try and spam you with stuff that’s important to you, spam it back with counters, and if you will eventually do so for long it becomes an automatic thing, you just have to stop caring about the things that your demons tell you to stop caring about or just find positives about them, or just go on liking it even with it's flaws regardless nothing has to be forced to be logical.
