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Prom Dies at the End / This Thread is Full of Revisions / What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Thread of Cosmic Revisions (JDatE Revision Thread)

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Promestein

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I'd say I'm sorry for the tile but we all know that I am not at all sorry.

So, recently I purchased and read the third novel in the John and Dave series, What the Hell Did I Just Read. It was pretty cool! And I have some revisions to do, both for this book specifically and to better refine all the pages and bring them all up to snuff. They're very imperfect and lacking in a lot of information. So let's get going!

John and Dave have access to most of the same abilities and equipment so these things generally apply to the both of them. Also I feel it's good to scrap Meaty, the White Rods, and Zulu Spiders for now, I'd prefer to tackle them later rather than revise them with this batch. This workload is big enough as it is. Also Meaty isn't even important. Anyways this is gonna have a lot of very thorough sourcing because that's necessary for a fucking niche novel revision thread, I'm sure people will appreciate my efforts.

None of you care but I will make this one of the most thorough revision threads in this dumpster fire.


John Dies at the End

Book one! Where it all started! Here's the doc to go through by page number; just search the page number and you'll find the section.

First off, soy sauce. Most of all the feats here are soy sauce. Soy sauce is a drug that, upon entering your system, awakens you to the true nature of the universe and allows you to see the supernatural, on top of a whole lot of other powerful, variable abilities. This often involves quickly dying and becoming a beacon for supernatural activity, with side effects that will stick with you for your entire life. And past your life. So forever, and ever, and ever.
  • During the frame narrative, Dave counts 5,829 grains of rice on a plate from across a room, intuits where it was grown, and then identifies the history of his utensils when he touches them (Pages 25-26).
  • Upon his first high, John detaches from reality for the night and spends it calling Dave, over and over again, with his calls reaching Dave at different points of time; only two of these calls have reached Dave at this point in time (Pages 50-51). One of these reaches Dave not that long later, while he's talking with John in person at the time (Pages 53-54).
  • After being pricked by a soy sauce syringe, Dave is able to predict what a police detective is going to say based on the minute changes in his expression, seeing through him to such a degree that he finds out his emotional state in detail, determines that he has two daughters, and his recent habits (Pages 70-71). He continues to do so, intuiting massive amounts of information off of all sorts of small details he is now hyper-aware of (Page 73).
  • Hello again, past John! He calls with knowledge of future events as they're happening to Dave. As this is happening present John has died - at the beginning of the novel (Pages 81-82). He then ends up directing Dave to go buy a bratwurst, and then communicates to him through it (Pages 85-86).
  • We witness a work of art by someone on soy sauce, a ridiculously realistic and detailed mural painted over an entire section of his trailer (Page 90).
  • Dave gets a full dose! Not consensually, though, the soy sauce does it for him. Anyways, during his first full high, a... lot happens! His perception of time grows extraordinarily fast, so fast that time seems to stop, and then he astral projects and travels through time (Pages 100-103).
  • Dave experiences a story himself, his perception cast back in time, as "Morgan Freeman" tells it to him (Page 105). I'm not writing the entire sequence, I'm writing enough.
  • Dave is shot in the chest by "Morgan Freeman", but survives. As it happens, that guy he said "hey" to while astral projecting was working at a munitions factory and was distracted from the quality control line he was working on - resulting in a defective bullet that, a couple of years later, hit Dave in the chest and bounced off his sternum with a fraction of its intended force (Pages 111-113).
  • John talks to Dave through a dog, Molly. Also drove a car like this (Page 116).
  • A bunch of stuff happens. At the end some vortex sucks in a lot of people and spits out Shadow Men. Dave later explains what happened to the people sucked in; they were erased from past, present, and future. He remembers some of these just fine, but a friend and ally, Todd, is partly a blank to him (Pages 179-181). Throughout the earlier scenes, Todd's existence is foreshadowed with Dave getting the count of his group 'wrong' repeatedly. Dave also acknowledges that he's an unreliable narrator here! How unreliable? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!
Abilities (for John/Dave): Extrasensory Perception (After their exposure to soy sauce, John and Dave can perceive the supernatural and that which is normally invisible to other humans, such as ghosts), Resistance to Causality Manipulation (Dave could remember some of the people erased from time by the vortex at the end of the Luxor incident just fine, but others, such as his old friend Todd, are more hazy and distant)

Abilities (w/ Soy Sauce): Enhanced Senses (Can hear a voice from across a police station and make out how many grains of rice are on a plate across a room), Perception Manipulation (As a result of soy sauce, John and Dave gain the ability to perceive the supernatural, and while high, Dave's perception of time vastly accelerated), Astral Projection (Immediately after soy sauce is taken, the user usually leaves their body, often even traveling across time and space and influencing past events), Clairvoyance (While high on soy sauce, Dave was able to intuit information he should've never known otherwise just by investigating someone's face), Precognition (While under the effects of soy sauce, John was able to accurately guide a future Dave from the past, and Dave was able to accurately predict what a person would say just by investigating their face), Psychometry (On contact, Dave determined the history and origins of a fork and experienced a past event as if he were there as it was described to him), Telepathy (A high John was able to telepathically communicate with Dave through a bratwurst and a dog from the past)

This is the load of soy sauce feats from the first part of the first novel (or, confusingly, BOOK I: THEY CHINA FOOD! Well, the first one there's from the prologue, actually. I'm not sure how to quantify Dave and company remembering some of the people who got erased, as they don't remember Todd, but he remembers others enough to narrate their demises and other people's reactions afterwards. Slight Resistance to Causality Manipulation, I guess?

Also during this time, we get various bits of knowledge on these entities - they are weak to symbols of belief and also to music, apparently mostly 80's power ballads. Because this is the music that is played in Heaven. Supposedly. Dave's not sure either and he's probably full of shit. In fact a lot of his narration is entirely full of shit. It's impossible to tell what's real and what's not, so all of this has to be taken with some grain of salt - especially once we get to the third novel. Also the side effects of soy sauce make Dave lose all memory of the past several months of his life 4 times in the next 6 months, so that's fun. But I don't feel the need to provide in-depth fucking quotes for every minute detail of this shit. If, for some reason, I need to prove that, I guess I'll fucking post it.

I really will die at the end of this at this fucking rate.

Anyways, time for BOOK II: KORROK. The shit here that is notable and that the idea of writing down doesn't make me want to skin my face as if I were the victim in a cartel slaying.
  • Dave is haunted by Ronald McDonald's eyes (Page 194). For the next week afterwards, every meal he eats smells and tastes like paint thinner, which Dave theorizes is the result of Them screwing with his brain to torment him (Page 196). They end up screwing with the lyrics of music as part of this, and Dave comes to a vital realization as to the nature of these beings (Page 197).
  • After being confronted with what appears to be a possessed, floating Molly, Dave and John blow the poor dog up with a TestaMint, a breath mint with a Bible verse written on it (Pages 202-203).
  • In one of my personal favorite scenes in the book, we properly meet our first Shadow Man, who possesses hundreds of thousands of cockroaches, steals Dave's car keys, shapes the roaches into a fascimile of a human, and drives away with his car. Not before apparently stopping time to make a prophecy, though! Either that or just instantly beaming a conversataion into Dave's head Pages 216-219). I had to censor the scene because 'fuck' is apparently against Pastebin's morals. I'm sorry you guys almost had to see that.
  • Said Shadow Man turns up again later and possesses Dave, making him experience some sort of 'revelation' and turn against John and Krissy and... kinda also making him an incel. No, absolutely making him an incel. He's not even a virgin and yet... (Pages 238-239). Thankfully, the power of Christ forces his Shadow Man out of him later, into Krissy, who somehow subdues it, for now, through her sheer faith, or... something. I don't know. It happens. Dave's Shadow Man isn't dead yet, though. This causes the food court ceiling they're under to collapse (Pages 242-244).
  • John, Dave, and Krissy revisit a tape they had found earlier, filmed by Krissy's possessed AND soy sauce high boyfriend, Wexler. Who said racial slurs on tv, by the way, really not a chad the 'virgin' Dave should be comparing himself to. I mean, sure, he was possessed, but... anyways, they converse with the recording, which Wexler made while high, seeing this conversation in the future and filming his own half in the past (Pages 245-247).
  • Dave then goes and eats two bratwurst in front of Ronald McDonald's scene of forced autocannibalism, making eye contact the entire time. I'm not writing that down.
Abilities (Shadow Men): Animal Manipulation (One took control of hundreds of thousands of cockroaches), Mind Manipulation (One took control of Dave and completely altered his way of thinking), Possession, Telepathy (Dave's Shadow Man held a telepathic conversation with him, either transmitted instantly or occurring within stopped time), possibly Time Stop (Dave's Shadow Man seemingly stopped time to converse with him, but may have just beamed an entire conversation into his mind instantly)

Shadow Men do not get Precognition for reasons that will be made clear later. Also, another precog and time travel feat for soy sauce users.

That's not the end of BOOK II but it is the end of the second of three supernatural events, and the third deserves its own section. Well, I want it to have one, because this is driving me insane. A lot of stuff happens here; while this is the third and final part of the novel it's close to half the entire thing.
  • Dave has a Smith & Wesson handgun with proximity fuse bullets; he counts fourteen in this scene, with one missing (Pages 257-258).
  • More artwork done on soy sauce, this one an extremely detailed monster prop with internal organs, musculature, tendons, and bone in perfect detail (Pages 294-295).
  • Dave explains the nature of the beings they're dealing with, describing them as beings so far above humans that we are akin to germs in comparison (Page 317).
  • Amy is swapped out for some sort of mechanical doppelganger and Dave experiences 3 hours of missing time as part of this (Page 320).
  • A Shadow Man appears. Amy can't see it (though Dave can) until she puts on some Scooby-Doo glasses. It then shapeshifts into wings and flies off, and Dave attributes people being erased from time to shadow people (Pages 321-322). Some(?) Shadow Men possess a truck driver and send him after Dave and Amy, and then he ends up exploding, presumably due to said Shadow Men (Pages 324-325), who they realize are kinda blind in the physical world. They compensate with the driver's severed head, which they throw onto Dave's window (Pages 325-326).
  • Dave then blows the head up with his handgun and its proximity fuse bullets. The Shadow Men continue their onslaught, drowning the world around them in darkness, which continues a bit, but it's really just more of that so I'm not writing it all down (Page 326). They're only 'saved' when they end up under the light of a lamppost, which apparently drives the Shadow Men away for now.
  • A bunch more happens, including Dave breaking someone's nose, which doesn't really matter featwise but it happened. John whips out a battle axe. I'm not writing any of this down.
  • Soy sauce time again. This time we get a nice description of its powers, with Dave listing possible effects it has as giving you the ability to read minds, stop time, and cook pasta perfectly every time (Pages 362-363). Dave and John take some, have the usual revelation, and begin preparing for the upcoming conflict, intuiting what they'll need; Dave creates a flamethrower from a water gun, a disposable lighter, and a bunch of flammable chemicals (Page 363-364).
  • While on soy sauce, Dave is able to see Amy's missing hand, and with the glasses on, Amy can see her missing hand and then unclench it (Page 365).
  • John and Dave improvise a bomb made from common household items (including a packet of Jell-O and a pack of shredded playing cards) by analyzing the molecular makeup of the ingredients (Page 366). Dave later describes a portion of the bomb as having enough power to collapse a cave of undefined but large size.
  • Amy opens a 'ghost door' with her 'ghost hand' (Page 367).
  • North, a character I haven't mentioned until now because he hasn't done anything relevant to versus debating, explains the nature of the shadow men; they are some form of undead being and are unrestricted by matter, capable of moving from one dimension or time period to the next, and then existing in no dimension and no time (Page 385).
  • More stuff happens and John and Dave end up in an alternate universe, later named Shit Narnia. In this universe, a man named Adam Rooney somehow successfully crossbred a bull and a Clydesdale, beginning a field of science known as beastiology and eventually creating computers from biological components, ultimately creating the sentient 'machine' that would become known as Korrok in this world (Pages 393-394). Largeman details Korrok's computation powers and its ability to accurately predict the future (Page 396).
  • John and Dave meet Korrok (Pages 398-400).
  • Largeman demonstrates beastiology, transforming a man in body and mind by controlling his cells and neurons (Page 402).
  • I fucking knew it was real, there's the scan of Korrok computing something down to the atom, ARE YOU HAPPY, ME? IT'S REAL! YOU DIDN'T HALLUCINATE THIS! WRITE IT DOWN! Seriously I found this once and then never found it again and here it is, fucking finally (Page 405). Perhaps this can be written off as hyperbolic, given that things go seemingly horribly wrong for Korrok and company after this, but, well... everything actually went according to plan for Korrok in the end.
  • Part of John and Dave's bomb goes off. The devastation it causes is seemingly significant but not detailed. I don't see the point in sharing a scan of something so minimally described.
  • Fred Durst shows up. Dave theorizes that he is an angel, or Jesus himself. He asks Dave a question, and Dave says yes. I won't detail this either, it's important but it's only a feat for Fred Durst and I'm not making a profile for Fred Durst, because he never appears again. That we know of. Honestly I have no idea. It's also a gigantic spoiler.
  • Dave realizes what's going on (Page 417).
  • A Shadow Man makes a threat (Page 440).
  • Dave realizes another thing that is happening (Page 450).
Abilities (w/ Soy Sauce): Extrasensory Perception (While on soy sauce, John and Dave can perceive supernatural entities and activity that they wouldn't have perceived beforehand, despite their already heightened supernatural senses), Genius Intelligence (John and Dave built a sophisticated bomb from a number of household ingredients, including Jell-O and playing cards, by investigating their molecular makeups [Presumably part of their Enhanced Senses as well]), Telepathy (Dave said soy sauce can allow a person to read minds), Time Stop (Dave said soy sauce can allow a person to stop time [We will see this in the next book])

Abilities (Shadow Men): Extrasensory Perception (They sense through supernatural means), Biological Manipulation (A man they were possessing suddenly exploded into a shower of gore, seemingly at their will), Darkness Manipulation (Their presence can blot out light and drown it out with suffocating pitch black darkness) Dimensional Travel (Shadow Men can move through dimensions as they please), Existence Erasure (A Shadow Man can erase a being from past, present, and future with a touch), Incorporeality (Shadow Men are unbound by matter), Invisibility (Normal people cannot usually see Shadow Men), Shapeshifting (Can take any shape they please), Time Travel (Shadow Men are unbound by time and can move through it as they please), Acausality (Type 1; Shadow Men are unaffected by changes to the past as they exist outside of time)

Abilities (Korrok): Biological Manipulation (Using technology and knowledge granted to them by Korrok, the inhabitants of "Shit Narnia" could control cells and transform them into other types of cells, transforming humans into insectoid or reptilian monsters at will), Mind Manipulation (Korrok's lesser underlings can control minds and memories just as they can control bodies, and Korrok himself claimed that he could alter Dave's brain chemistry to make him a child molester), Absorption (Can absorb the intellects of others by consuming them), Clairvoyance (Can observe others across the multiverse), Large Size (Type 1; the size of the Statue of Liberty), Precognition (Korrok's intelligence is so great that he can predict the future down to the specifics of atomic movements with perfect accuracy, knowing the correct path to take in every situation), Telepathy (Telepathically communicated with Dave and read his mind), likely many others

Dave is 9-B with the proximity fuse bullets, and John and Dave are some undefined higher tier (presumably Tier 8) with prep, given the bomb that they created. Korrok could arguably have other powers but we haven't seen anything since then that is undeniably Korrok in action; that's all I can say with confidence. With this said, some general statements are made as to the nature of similar beings later on, and these would apply to Korrok; we'll get to those in the third book. Should have a key for its physical form and its true form.

And that's John Dies at the end.

As you can see, he died at the beginning, and came back.


This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don't Touch It

Here's the link. This one will be much quicker.
  • John has a Vietnam-era flamethrower (Page 91).
  • Soy sauce chose where it landed so that it'd be at a random location Falconer would dig in the future, knowing that he'd do so (Page 219).
  • After taking soy sauce, John stops time (Pages 225-226), which freezes everything besides himself and what he had on person, including grass, smoke, and etcetera; he can't move anything else (Pages 226-227).
  • The shadow men aren't affected by the time stop (Pages 231-232).
  • They set up their pieces 25 years in advance (Page 293).
  • Meet the Furgun! It shoots whatever you think of! It enlarges a beer bottle, transmutes another into mashed potatoes, another into a, uh, dildo, and then annihilates them all in a burst of fire that turns a twenty-foot circle into smoldering black glass and the light of which is visible from six miles away (Page 351).
  • John used it, subconsciously, from a thousand feet away, to turn a truck of people into toys on accident (Page 352).
  • Thanks to soy sauce, John gains the ability to control where these 'doors' that teleport you to other parts of Undisclosed lead (Page 353). It takes him a while to get the hang of it though.
  • Dave uses the furgun to turn a Zulu host into a bloody mist (Page 355). Amy uses it to summon a charging buffalo (Page 357), which Dave kills by firing it and summoning a semi truck (Page 358).
  • John stops time again, and Dave is there too for some reason, maybe John let him, it's not explained (Page 383).
  • A descriptor of the shadow men's abilities, from Marconi's book (Page 385).
  • The shadow men show up during frozen time, Dave believes that using the furgun violently against them is useless due to the nature of their existence, and then Dave's shadow man erases Amy's hand from existence - it's been missing all book and in the previous book as well. Actually an important plot element, too (Pages 388-389).
  • Dave summons a painting of Jesus with the furgun. It annihilates all the shadow men present, and then vanishes, the furgun destroying itself as well (Pages 389-390).
Abilities (Soy Sauce): Time Stop (John stopped time while on soy sauce, but he couldn't affect or move anything during the time stop that wasn't already on his person)

Abilities (Furgun): Reality Warping (The Furgun's effects vary based on the user's thoughts), Explosion Manipulation (Triggered multiple explosions, the light of one of which was visible from 6 miles away), Summoning (Summoned a buffalo, a semitruck to run over said buffalo, and an extraordinarily powerful painting of Jesus), Transmutation (Transmuted a car full of people into action figures)

Abilities (Shadow Men): Causality Manipulation (Dave's Shadow Man erased Amy's hand from existence, doubtlessly greatly altering the timeline, as many past events were only possible due to this development), Resistance to Time Stop (They exist outside the flow of time and can move during frozen time freely)

I don't know how to quantify John's ability to alter the destinations of portals while under soy sauce's effects, and I feel like the Furgun's big fireball should be calced.

One more book.


What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror


Let's get this over with. This novel has its own supernatural threats but I'll focus on what's page-relevant and will copy the other details down when I have to make those pages, rather than torturing myself by making my already massive workload explode on me.

Here's the link.
  • These points are really just novelty so I won't write the sources down but Dave and John have a cross made from the same wood as the cross that Jesus was crucified on (in the Passion of the Christ), as well as a t-shirt cannon loaded with the Shroud of Turin (that's what eBay said it was, at least).
  • John, Dave, and Amy are protected by what NON (Non-natural Organism Neutralization) refers to as a blowback sphere, meaning that any attempts to kill them will result in automatic supernatural recoil. The head agent elaborates that these forces protect them to clear a path so that they can carry out Their will (Page 160). A non-lethal attempt to dispatch them immediately derails (Page 162).
  • I'm not writing this down, it's an entire chapter, though I guess I can call it up later if necessary. It's pages 183-187. John and Dave's last canister of soy sauce was thrown into the river earlier, and goes through an extremely long, convoluted process to return to their possession just when they need it.
  • John and Dave take soy sauce. John immediately intuits some information and then jumps out a window (Page 195). Dave has a very long astral projection trip. They both regain consciousness two days later, haven forgotten the entire two-day long trip, basically. Said two-day long trip consists of a lot of preparation for the rest of the novel.
  • With the sauce still in their system, John and Dave are immune to the memory-rewriting fuckroaches. Long story (Page 209).
  • Marconi describes the being they're dealing with as existing in a realm beyond the physical, as a being that does not have a shape or a size, but can only be measured in terms of its ability to exert will (Page 230).
  • A fuckroach larva hatches into a gigantic shadow man, which rewrites an entire village's history (Pages 287-288).
  • While on soy sauce, John gained the ability to control fuckroaches (Page 326).
Abilities (Soy Sauce): Animal Manipulation (John somehow gained the ability to control fuckroaches during a 2-day soy sauce trip), Resistance to Memory / Mind Manipulation (While under the effects of soy sauce, John and Dave can see through the fuckroaches' memory rewriting powers)

Abilities (Shadow Men): Causality Manipulation (A 'shadow giant' rewrote an entire village's history by moving through it), Large Size (Type 2; the 'shadow giant' was over a hundred feet tall)

I don't know how to quantify the blowback sphere. They (capital T) have immeasurable political influence and can pull strings politically, as well as use the many supernatural entities involved with them to push things in their favor without it being like, Causality Manipulation or anything. Korrok is most likely he same sort of entity as Min, the primary antagonist of this book, and the Shadow Men are likely similar as well, making them all Incorporeal in their true forms, with a touch of Type 9. I don't know how to quantify the insane series of events that soy sauce undergo there either.

That is that.
 
1,903
190
I'd say I'm sorry for the tile but we all know that I am not at all sorry.

So, recently I purchased and read the third novel in the John and Dave series, What the Hell Did I Just Read. It was pretty cool! And I have some revisions to do, both for this book specifically and to better refine all the pages and bring them all up to snuff. They're very imperfect and lacking in a lot of information. So let's get going!

John and Dave have access to most of the same abilities and equipment so these things generally apply to the both of them. Also I feel it's good to scrap Meaty, the White Rods, and Zulu Spiders for now, I'd prefer to tackle them later rather than revise them with this batch. This workload is big enough as it is. Also Meaty isn't even important. Anyways this is gonna have a lot of very thorough sourcing because that's necessary for a fucking niche novel revision thread, I'm sure people will appreciate my efforts.

None of you care but I will make this one of the most thorough revision threads in this dumpster fire.


John Dies at the End

Book one! Where it all started! Here's the doc to go through by page number; just search the page number and you'll find the section.

First off, soy sauce. Most of all the feats here are soy sauce. Soy sauce is a drug that, upon entering your system, awakens you to the true nature of the universe and allows you to see the supernatural, on top of a whole lot of other powerful, variable abilities. This often involves quickly dying and becoming a beacon for supernatural activity, with side effects that will stick with you for your entire life. And past your life. So forever, and ever, and ever.
  • During the frame narrative, Dave counts 5,829 grains of rice on a plate from across a room, intuits where it was grown, and then identifies the history of his utensils when he touches them (Pages 25-26).
  • Upon his first high, John detaches from reality for the night and spends it calling Dave, over and over again, with his calls reaching Dave at different points of time; only two of these calls have reached Dave at this point in time (Pages 50-51). One of these reaches Dave not that long later, while he's talking with John in person at the time (Pages 53-54).
  • After being pricked by a soy sauce syringe, Dave is able to predict what a police detective is going to say based on the minute changes in his expression, seeing through him to such a degree that he finds out his emotional state in detail, determines that he has two daughters, and his recent habits (Pages 70-71). He continues to do so, intuiting massive amounts of information off of all sorts of small details he is now hyper-aware of (Page 73).
  • Hello again, past John! He calls with knowledge of future events as they're happening to Dave. As this is happening present John has died - at the beginning of the novel (Pages 81-82). He then ends up directing Dave to go buy a bratwurst, and then communicates to him through it (Pages 85-86).
  • We witness a work of art by someone on soy sauce, a ridiculously realistic and detailed mural painted over an entire section of his trailer (Page 90).
  • Dave gets a full dose! Not consensually, though, the soy sauce does it for him. Anyways, during his first full high, a... lot happens! His perception of time grows extraordinarily fast, so fast that time seems to stop, and then he astral projects and travels through time (Pages 100-103).
  • Dave experiences a story himself, his perception cast back in time, as "Morgan Freeman" tells it to him (Page 105). I'm not writing the entire sequence, I'm writing enough.
  • Dave is shot in the chest by "Morgan Freeman", but survives. As it happens, that guy he said "hey" to while astral projecting was working at a munitions factory and was distracted from the quality control line he was working on - resulting in a defective bullet that, a couple of years later, hit Dave in the chest and bounced off his sternum with a fraction of its intended force (Pages 111-113).
  • John talks to Dave through a dog, Molly. Also drove a car like this (Page 116).
  • A bunch of stuff happens. At the end some vortex sucks in a lot of people and spits out Shadow Men. Dave later explains what happened to the people sucked in; they were erased from past, present, and future. He remembers some of these just fine, but a friend and ally, Todd, is partly a blank to him (Pages 179-181). Throughout the earlier scenes, Todd's existence is foreshadowed with Dave getting the count of his group 'wrong' repeatedly. Dave also acknowledges that he's an unreliable narrator here! How unreliable? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!
Abilities (for John/Dave): Extrasensory Perception (After their exposure to soy sauce, John and Dave can perceive the supernatural and that which is normally invisible to other humans, such as ghosts), Resistance to Causality Manipulation (Dave could remember some of the people erased from time by the vortex at the end of the Luxor incident just fine, but others, such as his old friend Todd, are more hazy and distant)

Abilities (w/ Soy Sauce): Enhanced Senses (Can hear a voice from across a police station and make out how many grains of rice are on a plate across a room), Perception Manipulation (As a result of soy sauce, John and Dave gain the ability to perceive the supernatural, and while high, Dave's perception of time vastly accelerated), Astral Projection (Immediately after soy sauce is taken, the user usually leaves their body, often even traveling across time and space and influencing past events), Clairvoyance (While high on soy sauce, Dave was able to intuit information he should've never known otherwise just by investigating someone's face), Precognition (While under the effects of soy sauce, John was able to accurately guide a future Dave from the past, and Dave was able to accurately predict what a person would say just by investigating their face), Psychometry (On contact, Dave determined the history and origins of a fork and experienced a past event as if he were there as it was described to him), Telepathy (A high John was able to telepathically communicate with Dave through a bratwurst and a dog from the past)

This is the load of soy sauce feats from the first part of the first novel (or, confusingly, BOOK I: THEY CHINA FOOD! Well, the first one there's from the prologue, actually. I'm not sure how to quantify Dave and company remembering some of the people who got erased, as they don't remember Todd, but he remembers others enough to narrate their demises and other people's reactions afterwards. Slight Resistance to Causality Manipulation, I guess?

Also during this time, we get various bits of knowledge on these entities - they are weak to symbols of belief and also to music, apparently mostly 80's power ballads. Because this is the music that is played in Heaven. Supposedly. Dave's not sure either and he's probably full of shit. In fact a lot of his narration is entirely full of shit. It's impossible to tell what's real and what's not, so all of this has to be taken with some grain of salt - especially once we get to the third novel. Also the side effects of soy sauce make Dave lose all memory of the past several months of his life 4 times in the next 6 months, so that's fun. But I don't feel the need to provide in-depth fucking quotes for every minute detail of this shit. If, for some reason, I need to prove that, I guess I'll fucking post it.

I really will die at the end of this at this fucking rate.

Anyways, time for BOOK II: KORROK. The shit here that is notable and that the idea of writing down doesn't make me want to skin my face as if I were the victim in a cartel slaying.
  • Dave is haunted by Ronald McDonald's eyes (Page 194). For the next week afterwards, every meal he eats smells and tastes like paint thinner, which Dave theorizes is the result of Them screwing with his brain to torment him (Page 196). They end up screwing with the lyrics of music as part of this, and Dave comes to a vital realization as to the nature of these beings (Page 197).
  • After being confronted with what appears to be a possessed, floating Molly, Dave and John blow the poor dog up with a TestaMint, a breath mint with a Bible verse written on it (Pages 202-203).
  • In one of my personal favorite scenes in the book, we properly meet our first Shadow Man, who possesses hundreds of thousands of cockroaches, steals Dave's car keys, shapes the roaches into a fascimile of a human, and drives away with his car. Not before apparently stopping time to make a prophecy, though! Either that or just instantly beaming a conversataion into Dave's head Pages 216-219). I had to censor the scene because 'fuck' is apparently against Pastebin's morals. I'm sorry you guys almost had to see that.
  • Said Shadow Man turns up again later and possesses Dave, making him experience some sort of 'revelation' and turn against John and Krissy and... kinda also making him an incel. No, absolutely making him an incel. He's not even a virgin and yet... (Pages 238-239). Thankfully, the power of Christ forces his Shadow Man out of him later, into Krissy, who somehow subdues it, for now, through her sheer faith, or... something. I don't know. It happens. Dave's Shadow Man isn't dead yet, though. This causes the food court ceiling they're under to collapse (Pages 242-244).
  • John, Dave, and Krissy revisit a tape they had found earlier, filmed by Krissy's possessed AND soy sauce high boyfriend, Wexler. Who said racial slurs on tv, by the way, really not a chad the 'virgin' Dave should be comparing himself to. I mean, sure, he was possessed, but... anyways, they converse with the recording, which Wexler made while high, seeing this conversation in the future and filming his own half in the past (Pages 245-247).
  • Dave then goes and eats two bratwurst in front of Ronald McDonald's scene of forced autocannibalism, making eye contact the entire time. I'm not writing that down.
Abilities (Shadow Men): Animal Manipulation (One took control of hundreds of thousands of cockroaches), Mind Manipulation (One took control of Dave and completely altered his way of thinking), Possession, Telepathy (Dave's Shadow Man held a telepathic conversation with him, either transmitted instantly or occurring within stopped time), possibly Time Stop (Dave's Shadow Man seemingly stopped time to converse with him, but may have just beamed an entire conversation into his mind instantly)

Shadow Men do not get Precognition for reasons that will be made clear later. Also, another precog and time travel feat for soy sauce users.

That's not the end of BOOK II but it is the end of the second of three supernatural events, and the third deserves its own section. Well, I want it to have one, because this is driving me insane. A lot of stuff happens here; while this is the third and final part of the novel it's close to half the entire thing.
  • Dave has a Smith & Wesson handgun with proximity fuse bullets; he counts fourteen in this scene, with one missing (Pages 257-258).
  • More artwork done on soy sauce, this one an extremely detailed monster prop with internal organs, musculature, tendons, and bone in perfect detail (Pages 294-295).
  • Dave explains the nature of the beings they're dealing with, describing them as beings so far above humans that we are akin to germs in comparison (Page 317).
  • Amy is swapped out for some sort of mechanical doppelganger and Dave experiences 3 hours of missing time as part of this (Page 320).
  • A Shadow Man appears. Amy can't see it (though Dave can) until she puts on some Scooby-Doo glasses. It then shapeshifts into wings and flies off, and Dave attributes people being erased from time to shadow people (Pages 321-322). Some(?) Shadow Men possess a truck driver and send him after Dave and Amy, and then he ends up exploding, presumably due to said Shadow Men (Pages 324-325), who they realize are kinda blind in the physical world. They compensate with the driver's severed head, which they throw onto Dave's window (Pages 325-326).
  • Dave then blows the head up with his handgun and its proximity fuse bullets. The Shadow Men continue their onslaught, drowning the world around them in darkness, which continues a bit, but it's really just more of that so I'm not writing it all down (Page 326). They're only 'saved' when they end up under the light of a lamppost, which apparently drives the Shadow Men away for now.
  • A bunch more happens, including Dave breaking someone's nose, which doesn't really matter featwise but it happened. John whips out a battle axe. I'm not writing any of this down.
  • Soy sauce time again. This time we get a nice description of its powers, with Dave listing possible effects it has as giving you the ability to read minds, stop time, and cook pasta perfectly every time (Pages 362-363). Dave and John take some, have the usual revelation, and begin preparing for the upcoming conflict, intuiting what they'll need; Dave creates a flamethrower from a water gun, a disposable lighter, and a bunch of flammable chemicals (Page 363-364).
  • While on soy sauce, Dave is able to see Amy's missing hand, and with the glasses on, Amy can see her missing hand and then unclench it (Page 365).
  • John and Dave improvise a bomb made from common household items (including a packet of Jell-O and a pack of shredded playing cards) by analyzing the molecular makeup of the ingredients (Page 366). Dave later describes a portion of the bomb as having enough power to collapse a cave of undefined but large size.
  • Amy opens a 'ghost door' with her 'ghost hand' (Page 367).
  • North, a character I haven't mentioned until now because he hasn't done anything relevant to versus debating, explains the nature of the shadow men; they are some form of undead being and are unrestricted by matter, capable of moving from one dimension or time period to the next, and then existing in no dimension and no time (Page 385).
  • More stuff happens and John and Dave end up in an alternate universe, later named Shit Narnia. In this universe, a man named Adam Rooney somehow successfully crossbred a bull and a Clydesdale, beginning a field of science known as beastiology and eventually creating computers from biological components, ultimately creating the sentient 'machine' that would become known as Korrok in this world (Pages 393-394). Largeman details Korrok's computation powers and its ability to accurately predict the future (Page 396).
  • John and Dave meet Korrok (Pages 398-400).
  • Largeman demonstrates beastiology, transforming a man in body and mind by controlling his cells and neurons (Page 402).
  • I fucking knew it was real, there's the scan of Korrok computing something down to the atom, ARE YOU HAPPY, ME? IT'S REAL! YOU DIDN'T HALLUCINATE THIS! WRITE IT DOWN! Seriously I found this once and then never found it again and here it is, fucking finally (Page 405). Perhaps this can be written off as hyperbolic, given that things go seemingly horribly wrong for Korrok and company after this, but, well... everything actually went according to plan for Korrok in the end.
  • Part of John and Dave's bomb goes off. The devastation it causes is seemingly significant but not detailed. I don't see the point in sharing a scan of something so minimally described.
  • Fred Durst shows up. Dave theorizes that he is an angel, or Jesus himself. He asks Dave a question, and Dave says yes. I won't detail this either, it's important but it's only a feat for Fred Durst and I'm not making a profile for Fred Durst, because he never appears again. That we know of. Honestly I have no idea. It's also a gigantic spoiler.
  • Dave realizes what's going on (Page 417).
  • A Shadow Man makes a threat (Page 440).
  • Dave realizes another thing that is happening (Page 450).
Abilities (w/ Soy Sauce): Extrasensory Perception (While on soy sauce, John and Dave can perceive supernatural entities and activity that they wouldn't have perceived beforehand, despite their already heightened supernatural senses), Genius Intelligence (John and Dave built a sophisticated bomb from a number of household ingredients, including Jell-O and playing cards, by investigating their molecular makeups [Presumably part of their Enhanced Senses as well]), Telepathy (Dave said soy sauce can allow a person to read minds), Time Stop (Dave said soy sauce can allow a person to stop time [We will see this in the next book])

Abilities (Shadow Men): Extrasensory Perception (They sense through supernatural means), Biological Manipulation (A man they were possessing suddenly exploded into a shower of gore, seemingly at their will), Darkness Manipulation (Their presence can blot out light and drown it out with suffocating pitch black darkness) Dimensional Travel (Shadow Men can move through dimensions as they please), Existence Erasure (A Shadow Man can erase a being from past, present, and future with a touch), Incorporeality (Shadow Men are unbound by matter), Invisibility (Normal people cannot usually see Shadow Men), Shapeshifting (Can take any shape they please), Time Travel (Shadow Men are unbound by time and can move through it as they please), Acausality (Type 1; Shadow Men are unaffected by changes to the past as they exist outside of time)

Abilities (Korrok): Biological Manipulation (Using technology and knowledge granted to them by Korrok, the inhabitants of "Shit Narnia" could control cells and transform them into other types of cells, transforming humans into insectoid or reptilian monsters at will), Mind Manipulation (Korrok's lesser underlings can control minds and memories just as they can control bodies, and Korrok himself claimed that he could alter Dave's brain chemistry to make him a child molester), Absorption (Can absorb the intellects of others by consuming them), Clairvoyance (Can observe others across the multiverse), Large Size (Type 1; the size of the Statue of Liberty), Precognition (Korrok's intelligence is so great that he can predict the future down to the specifics of atomic movements with perfect accuracy, knowing the correct path to take in every situation), Telepathy (Telepathically communicated with Dave and read his mind), likely many others

Dave is 9-B with the proximity fuse bullets, and John and Dave are some undefined higher tier (presumably Tier 8) with prep, given the bomb that they created. Korrok could arguably have other powers but we haven't seen anything since then that is undeniably Korrok in action; that's all I can say with confidence. With this said, some general statements are made as to the nature of similar beings later on, and these would apply to Korrok; we'll get to those in the third book. Should have a key for its physical form and its true form.

And that's John Dies at the end.

As you can see, he died at the beginning, and came back.


This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don't Touch It

Here's the link. This one will be much quicker.
  • John has a Vietnam-era flamethrower (Page 91).
  • Soy sauce chose where it landed so that it'd be at a random location Falconer would dig in the future, knowing that he'd do so (Page 219).
  • After taking soy sauce, John stops time (Pages 225-226), which freezes everything besides himself and what he had on person, including grass, smoke, and etcetera; he can't move anything else (Pages 226-227).
  • The shadow men aren't affected by the time stop (Pages 231-232).
  • They set up their pieces 25 years in advance (Page 293).
  • Meet the Furgun! It shoots whatever you think of! It enlarges a beer bottle, transmutes another into mashed potatoes, another into a, uh, dildo, and then annihilates them all in a burst of fire that turns a twenty-foot circle into smoldering black glass and the light of which is visible from six miles away (Page 351).
  • John used it, subconsciously, from a thousand feet away, to turn a truck of people into toys on accident (Page 352).
  • Thanks to soy sauce, John gains the ability to control where these 'doors' that teleport you to other parts of Undisclosed lead (Page 353). It takes him a while to get the hang of it though.
  • Dave uses the furgun to turn a Zulu host into a bloody mist (Page 355). Amy uses it to summon a charging buffalo (Page 357), which Dave kills by firing it and summoning a semi truck (Page 358).
  • John stops time again, and Dave is there too for some reason, maybe John let him, it's not explained (Page 383).
  • A descriptor of the shadow men's abilities, from Marconi's book (Page 385).
  • The shadow men show up during frozen time, Dave believes that using the furgun violently against them is useless due to the nature of their existence, and then Dave's shadow man erases Amy's hand from existence - it's been missing all book and in the previous book as well. Actually an important plot element, too (Pages 388-389).
  • Dave summons a painting of Jesus with the furgun. It annihilates all the shadow men present, and then vanishes, the furgun destroying itself as well (Pages 389-390).
Abilities (Soy Sauce): Time Stop (John stopped time while on soy sauce, but he couldn't affect or move anything during the time stop that wasn't already on his person)

Abilities (Furgun): Reality Warping (The Furgun's effects vary based on the user's thoughts), Explosion Manipulation (Triggered multiple explosions, the light of one of which was visible from 6 miles away), Summoning (Summoned a buffalo, a semitruck to run over said buffalo, and an extraordinarily powerful painting of Jesus), Transmutation (Transmuted a car full of people into action figures)

Abilities (Shadow Men): Causality Manipulation (Dave's Shadow Man erased Amy's hand from existence, doubtlessly greatly altering the timeline, as many past events were only possible due to this development), Resistance to Time Stop (They exist outside the flow of time and can move during frozen time freely)

I don't know how to quantify John's ability to alter the destinations of portals while under soy sauce's effects, and I feel like the Furgun's big fireball should be calced.

One more book.


What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror


Let's get this over with. This novel has its own supernatural threats but I'll focus on what's page-relevant and will copy the other details down when I have to make those pages, rather than torturing myself by making my already massive workload explode on me.

Here's the link.
  • These points are really just novelty so I won't write the sources down but Dave and John have a cross made from the same wood as the cross that Jesus was crucified on (in the Passion of the Christ), as well as a t-shirt cannon loaded with the Shroud of Turin (that's what eBay said it was, at least).
  • John, Dave, and Amy are protected by what NON (Non-natural Organism Neutralization) refers to as a blowback sphere, meaning that any attempts to kill them will result in automatic supernatural recoil. The head agent elaborates that these forces protect them to clear a path so that they can carry out Their will (Page 160). A non-lethal attempt to dispatch them immediately derails (Page 162).
  • I'm not writing this down, it's an entire chapter, though I guess I can call it up later if necessary. It's pages 183-187. John and Dave's last canister of soy sauce was thrown into the river earlier, and goes through an extremely long, convoluted process to return to their possession just when they need it.
  • John and Dave take soy sauce. John immediately intuits some information and then jumps out a window (Page 195). Dave has a very long astral projection trip. They both regain consciousness two days later, haven forgotten the entire two-day long trip, basically. Said two-day long trip consists of a lot of preparation for the rest of the novel.
  • With the sauce still in their system, John and Dave are immune to the memory-rewriting fuckroaches. Long story (Page 209).
  • Marconi describes the being they're dealing with as existing in a realm beyond the physical, as a being that does not have a shape or a size, but can only be measured in terms of its ability to exert will (Page 230).
  • A fuckroach larva hatches into a gigantic shadow man, which rewrites an entire village's history (Pages 287-288).
  • While on soy sauce, John gained the ability to control fuckroaches (Page 326).
Abilities (Soy Sauce): Animal Manipulation (John somehow gained the ability to control fuckroaches during a 2-day soy sauce trip), Resistance to Memory / Mind Manipulation (While under the effects of soy sauce, John and Dave can see through the fuckroaches' memory rewriting powers)

Abilities (Shadow Men): Causality Manipulation (A 'shadow giant' rewrote an entire village's history by moving through it), Large Size (Type 2; the 'shadow giant' was over a hundred feet tall)

I don't know how to quantify the blowback sphere. They (capital T) have immeasurable political influence and can pull strings politically, as well as use the many supernatural entities involved with them to push things in their favor without it being like, Causality Manipulation or anything. Korrok is most likely he same sort of entity as Min, the primary antagonist of this book, and the Shadow Men are likely similar as well, making them all Incorporeal in their true forms, with a touch of Type 9. I don't know how to quantify the insane series of events that soy sauce undergo there either.

That is that.
*title
 

AKM sama

An unKnowledgeable soMeone
VS Battles
Bureaucrat
Sysop
Human Resources
9,613
9,506
1608283411_untitled-design-1.png

None of you care
This is true. I don't.

Revision looks good.
 

Promestein

Fourth Kind
VS Battles
FC/OC Battles
Bureaucrat
Sysop
Human Resources
7,878
3,704
Any thoughts on ambiguous things like the blowback sphere and how soy sauce is able to seemingly manipulate future events?
 

Promestein

Fourth Kind
VS Battles
FC/OC Battles
Bureaucrat
Sysop
Human Resources
7,878
3,704
Anyone? Anything?

If no one has anything to offer I'll go ahead with the revisions.
 
Last edited:

Promestein

Fourth Kind
VS Battles
FC/OC Battles
Bureaucrat
Sysop
Human Resources
7,878
3,704
Going once, going twice...
 

Promestein

Fourth Kind
VS Battles
FC/OC Battles
Bureaucrat
Sysop
Human Resources
7,878
3,704
Probability Manipulation probably, possible Fate Manipulation.

This all looks fine and dandy to me. Good job on losing your mind.
My concern is that the blowback sphere may not actually directly screw with probability or anything, just trigger the activity of other supernatural beings that interfere.
 
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